Furious.
The worst thing a person could ever do is lie to me. And if I uncover the truth on my own, that just takes it to another level. Trust is everything. And in a world of very little trust, I trusted you. A lot. Early on I was comfortable with you. I've never hid any parts of my life, but with you it was easy to share. I confided in you and I would like to say you confided in me as well. But once I uncover a single lie that's it. I now think everything was a lie. Our foundation wasn't firm but I thought we were working on it. I thought we were working towards being best friends and more. Lovers.
This wasn't the case. I take responsibility for my actions. I know it was always me that walked away. That doesn't build trust. I wish you could honestly look at the situation through my view. We did so well in the beginning. We communicated everyday. And all of a sudden without reason, you disappeared. You attributed this change to you "going through some things". I'm impatient yes, as well as being hard headed. But I'm also very understanding. Maybe at the time you didn't think you could confide in me. At the end of the day it was unfair of you to invite someone into your life knowing your circumstances and not sharing them. Fast forward five years, and time forces you to put what's important, into perspective.
I remember the day I searched google to find out the status of your case. I cried my eyes out at the result. Two and a half years. That may not seem like much to others but for me that number looked like forever. In an effort to stay away from you, I tried to find you without directly contacting you. I hoped you hadn't left yet and at the same time I didn't want to have to speak to you. I went through all types of searches to find you. Nothing. I figured I'd search for your mother. It worked. I typed her name into the search box in Facebook and was surprised when she actually popped up. I never wanted to have to picture another woman next to you. For the first time I did. Who knew that was just the beginning.
I searched through all your mom's friends. First looking for you, next the mothers of your children. I found one. I scrolled through the page looking at the pictures of this pretty woman. The one who potentially text my phone back in 2012 stating that you had been in a two year relationship and that you had a baby on the way.
Remember when you denied it? All of it? I stayed. But in the back of my head that message never left. I never said anything about it. I didn't think I had a place to. After all, we weren't together. This was something I always knew but it never changed the fact that I had feelings for you. And to see that picture of you and her killed me.
For days I struggled with my feelings. I went back and forth with wanting to reach out to you directly and hating you for feeling like you lied. Therefore not caring to say a word to you. I even changed my number in hopes to move on and never have to deal with you again. It didn't work. I used every resource I had, to text and call you with no avail. I cried. A lot! I told everybody what was going on. That included my mother, someone who had never heard me speak of a guy I was into. Not unless you count that boy in daycare. I thought I was broken then, but I had no idea what was to come.
